“If I…”. It is a small phrase, but it carries a heavy weight. Many young people today approach marriage with a long list of “ifs.” If I marry… if I choose the wrong person… if we do not have children… if I lose my job… if my partner changes… if something goes wrong later…Behind these questions lie more than money problems or job insecurity, even though those are real concerns. There is something deeper: the fear of losing “personal space.” Today freedom, independence, and self-protection have become central values. Many people prefer to keep all options open instead of making one clear choice and committing to it. This way of thinking is what Pope Francis once called a “culture of the ephemeral” (AL, 39). He observed that lasting commitments are often seen as limits on freedom, not as a path to real happiness. In this climate, relationships can start to look like shopping choices: compare, test, postpone, upgrade if needed. But love does not work like a contract with an exit clause.
No “Right Person”
One major obstacle to marriage today is the search for the perfect partner. Many believe that somewhere there is a person who will meet every expectation and guarantee happiness. This idea leads to endless comparison. There is always the fear that someone better might appear. The Church offers a different view. Marriage is not just a feeling but “an act of the will.” It is a decision in which two people freely give themselves to each other (FC, 11). Therefore, there is no “right person” in the abstract. A person becomes “right” through a faithful choice. The Bible describes the first meeting between man and woman not as the discovery of perfection, but as a moment of recognition: “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh” (Gen 2:23). The joy comes from relationship, not from flawless qualities. It is the joy of finding a partner, not a product.
Marriage as Growth
Marriage does not erase personal identity. It expands it. Each person has talents and limits. In marriage, these are not lost but shared. As Gaudium et Spes teaches, marital love is a fully human love that involves the whole person and leads to mutual self-giving (GS, 49). This requires accepting change. Love is not static; it matures over time through conflict, forgiveness, and growth. In the Gospel of John, we read: “Unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit” (Jn 12:24). This “dying” is not about losing oneself. It is about letting go of self-centeredness. When two people move from “me first” to “us together,” something new is born. Commitment may feel risky. But without it, relationships remain shallow.
Parenthood and Happiness
We can also see a further misunderstanding concerning parenthood. In contemporary culture, having children is often linked to the planning of happiness or personal fulfilment. Yet children are not a means to happiness but a gift flowing from love. They are not “a possession” but persons entrusted to their parents (AL, 171). In reality, people usually do not have children in order to become happy; they have children because they already experience a shared happiness that enables them to trust life and one another. Later, that happiness may be challenged, but this can open the path to a deeper discovery of meaning. Love finds its truth not in self-satisfaction but in self-giving (Redemptor Hominis, 10). Happiness is not something we secure in advance; it grows when we give ourselves.
“I + You = We”
At the core of family life lies the difficult but essential balance between identity and communion, between the “I” and the “We.” This balance reflects the very life of the Trinity, where unity does not erase difference but fulfils it (AL, 11). For this reason, the centre of family life must remain the couple. If the relationship between spouses weakens, the whole family structure is affected. When children become the only focus, the marriage itself can slowly erode. A strong partnership gives stability to everyone. Love between spouses is not selfish; it is the foundation on which children feel secure. A healthy family is built on gratitude, not pressure. Parents should not place the weight of their unfulfilled dreams on their children. And adult children are called to grow in freedom, not in emotional dependence.
Beyond the Fear
The many “If I…” questions reveal something deeper: fear of commitment and fear of vulnerability. To choose one person means renouncing other possibilities. To promise fidelity means accepting uncertainty. Yet life does not flourish through control alone. It grows through trust. Endless options can create paralysis. A faithful decision creates direction. Family life is not the result of perfect planning. It is the fruit of courageous love – love that chooses, stays, forgives, and grows. True happiness is not something we possess like an object. It is something we receive and discover along the way, especially when we dare to say not “If I…,” but “Here we are.”
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Fr. M. Titus Mohan, a priest of the Diocese of Kuzhithurai in South India, has authored more than 50 books and is currently pursuing doctoral studies in Moral Theology in Milan.