How Jesus Found Me When I Lost Sight of His Manger

By Fr Sunil Macwan, SJ –

Even though my Jesuit training and priestly ministry have helped me cope with the pandemic’s social challenges reasonably well, questions from elderly relatives and friends have left me perplexed at times. Recently, my old and infirm dad, who is usually upbeat about most things, confided in me on the phone his apprehension of not being able to participate in the mass on Christmas day in person. “As far as I can remember, I have never missed mass on Christmas day. But that might change this year because of the pandemic,” he said with a heavy heart. I could sense a tinge of sadness in dad’s voice, intensified by a feeling of helplessness. Even as I was trying to reason what to say, my father asked me a tough question: “If I cannot go to see Baby Jesus on Christmas day, will he come to see me?” Not being able to give a straightforward answer, I shared with him an experience that taught me a new meaning of Christmas, namely, God comes to us wherever we are.

After joining the Jesuit novitiate in Ahmedabad, India, in June 1997, I spent the first five months prepping for the Long Retreat. Finally, in the month of November, I began the thirty-day Ignatian retreat. The first week of prayer ended quickly. I felt quite relaxed after a general confession as part of the First Week of the Spiritual Exercises. My three other companions, too, seemed to relish the retreat a great deal.  We carried the momentum with us in the Second Week. Now it was time to contemplate on the life of Jesus – from his incarnation to his journey to Jerusalem before the Last Supper.

The Second Week of the Spiritual Exercises mostly required us to use our senses imaginatively to see, hear, smell, taste, and touch the things that surrounded Jesus, the Word Incarnate. It was a wonderful way of praying through feelings. I was eager to try this style of prayer during the week. To make our prayer-experience even more personal, the Master of Novices asked us to go to bed early one evening and wake up at midnight for a contemplation on the Incarnation. When I woke up at 11.30 pm, another surprise awaited me. The master announced that to make the contemplation on the Incarnation, he had created the scene of the manger somewhere on our four-acre farm, right outside the Jesuit Residence. We were to go in the dark, like the magi, find the manger, and spend time praying before baby Jesus! It was unlike anything I had heard before, so my sleep was gone in a flash. As soon as the prayer-instructions ended, I had hurried out of the chapel to find baby Jesus in the manger.

A cold gust of wind joined me on my search. After roaming around aimlessly for about ten minutes, I suddenly noticed something unusual under a mango tree, near a bush. Although it was pitch-dark, I saw what looked like the Nativity scene! I had found it finally. “Here’s the crib! Oh, yeah, this looks like a manger,” I said to myself excitedly and quickly sat down to pray. As I closed my eyes to allow the senses to lead me deeper into the mystery of the Lord’s incarnation, the scene of the Nativity came alive to me. I could clearly see how tenderly Mary cuddled child Jesus, how joyfully Joseph gazed at him, and how lovingly the baby Jesus smiled back at them.  Above all, a loving glance of Jesus who seemed to acknowledge my longing to find him in the manger.

Thirty minutes passed in a jiffy. And then came the shocker. Suddenly a gentle tap on my shoulder interrupted my heart-to-heart conversation with Jesus. Annoyed, I opened my eyes and saw someone like the Novice Master standing next to me. Before I could inquire what was the matter, he said a little gruffly, “why are you sitting in front of this mango tree? The manger is not here! I have set it up in the shack near the water tank!” Only then did it dawn on me that I had been praying in the wrong place all along! The manger was just in the opposite corner from where I thought it was! Feeling quite embarrassed, I hurried to the shack, and stole into it to see a dimly lit manger with a stunningly beautiful statue of Baby Jesus, radiating joy and warmth, along with those of Mary and Joseph on either side. The faces of my companions looked angelic as they seemed lost in prayer. But I was so disturbed with what had happened that despite my best attempt to carry on praying, I just could not. After desperately trying for a few more minutes, I gave up, walked out of the shack, trudged back to my room, and went to sleep.

Yet the next day, a strange feeling of joy filled my heart as I recalled praying at the imaginary mango-tree-manger. There was no doubt in my mind that Jesus was present there, looking back at me, smiling at me, responding to me! I had felt his presence all around me! In contrast, I also clearly felt that when redirected to the actual manger, I could not re-enter the first experience despite my best attempts. Overcome with confusion, I decided to request the retreat director to help me understand the incident. It was during the conversation with him that I came to see the full meaning of my experience. He said that what I experienced under the tree, erroneously taking it for the manger-scene, was real because Jesus had found me! When I could not walk to Him, he walked to me. When I could not see Him, He saw me. When I could not reach Him, He reached me. Those words brought tears to my eyes. I could not utter a word for about two minutes knowing that Jesus found me when I failed to find Him!

Years have gone by since that Long-Retreat experience. But baby Jesus smiling at me that night has remained vivid in my memory. In fact, year after year, it deepens my experience of meeting Immanuel at Christmas. For deep within my heart I know that if I fail to find Jesus, He will find me. If I desire to see him, He will encounter me in prayer.

And that is what I shared with my father. After I finished narrating that special spiritual experience, he remained silent for a few seconds. Then I heard him say, “Oh, I should have known this. He’s far more capable of finding me than I am of going to see him in the crib! I am sure, Jesus will visit me if I cannot make it to mass on the 25th!”

He ended the call on a cheerful note, wishing me a merry Christmas in advance.

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Fr. (Dr.) Sunil Macwan, SJ, is a professor of English at St. Xavier’s College, Ahmedabad. He holds an MA and Ph.D. in post-colonial literature from Marquette University, USA, as well as MA in philosophy and a Diploma in Theology from Madras University and Gujarat Vidhya Deep, Vadodara, respectively. As a priest he’s keenly interested in promoting the Catholic Faith and spirituality.